Everyone has good days and bad days, and that certainly includes me as I stay home with two kids. I want to have more good than bad, obviously, and have that contribute to an overall healthy state of mind, of general happiness. Since first deciding to be a stay-at-home dad I've mostly been able to achieve that and stayed a positive, relaxed and happy person, though I did have some struggles at the beginning of Covid like everyone else. Recently however it's trended the other way.
At some point I realized that the bad days at home are almost exclusively when I'm trying to do too much beyond simply being with our two boys. Before the move my self-appointed to-do list was usually rather menial, caring for the laundry and dishes and running errands so we could live our lives (see for example the Weekly Reset). Those activities alone aren't hard to manage, and when I stick to them I feel in control and comfortable with the state of things on a day-to-day basis. It's commonly when I try to finish a blog post or complete something else that requires time and mental energy, while both boys constantly demand attention, that I get frustrated or angry and end up in a lousy mood. A big piece of this is how my own brain works. I don't like leaving tasks, or even thoughts, incomplete and obsess until I consider them done, and it's frequently difficult to finish things in short order in my circumstances.
I've been in a terrible mood a lot lately, the result of bad days. I think, more than anything, this has happened as I put pressure on myself to get a lot done around our new house. The move itself was stressful enough and then afterward there's a seemingly never-ending pile of extra tasks to do. I un-boxed everything and got the kitchen and bedrooms in working order in the first few weeks. There had to be some rapid baby-proofing too. I'm not entirely sure how I did as much as I did. But even after all that a bunch of rooms still need to be organized and walls need to be painted and curtains need to be hung and on and on. There's something that bothers me in every room as I walk around and spend all my time here. Sometimes it's simply seeing that stuff that gets into my head and other times it's the inability to make any progress with kids around. I've let building tension spoil my attitude quite a bit and become miserable to be around. I'm sorry D.
I think I've figured how I can to do better. The days are good, or at least more than manageable, when I just focus on being present. I know that's something I can do. We'll get to the work that's bothering me eventually and I can handle that. There will continue to be some selfishness to manage, if that's the right word. It's time to put my phone down more and worry less about the goings-on in the world, not least because there are so many games to play, books to read and art projects to create in the here and now. All these are considerably better for my mental health, not to mention the development of the kids. Unless I get in my own way it won't even be hard because both our boys are seriously a lot of fun. The older one's creative side is growing by leaps and bounds, and he turns every activity into a slice of his imagination. He says 'goodbye, I have to go to work' and gives us a hug when it's time to feed the dog. He wants every meal to be a simulation of going out, especially if it's a diner. He pretends that we're attending a public story-telling when him and I sit down with books. The younger one is himself increasingly interactive and making me wonder when he'll start using real words. He's now walking all over the place in an endlessly amusing manner, with constant chatter, arms up in the air, at least one hand holding a toy or something, with repeated falls and/or pounces. Whenever I don't put all that unnecessary pressure on myself we have great days. So let's do more of that.
I've had to reflect a little bit recently on whether or not this is still something I want to do. This is partially my own doing and partially at the behest of my wife, who has understandably struggled to deal with my persistent crabbiness and just wants me to be happy. Is it my very role as a stay-at-home dad that's providing all this frustration, or is it coming from elsewhere? I think, hopefully, it's mostly the latter. As of now I do want to continue to stay home, though that could change too. Life is settling down after the craziness of moving across country and the immediacy of the holidays afterward. The older kid has started preschool, where he goes twice a week, and even though he isn't loving it so far it gives me a break from the perpetual demands of a three year old and a little time for my own things. It's made a big difference already to get that time the past couple weeks and be able to spend our day, when he's home, on what he wants to do. I've also finally got my Xbox set up in the basement, which has always been a release of sorts for me and wasn't available the past few months as I grew ever more sour. Put it all together and I think we've reached a better balance, and things are looking up.
Here's to more good days! Hopefully you're having one yourself.
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