Since we moved to Maryland in 2014, I've always been at home. Most of that time I had a remote job in software QA. Things definitely changed when I started watching our son full time, sure, but the biggest difference was my 'job' became 24 hours a day. Prior to all this (waves hands in air), we had gymnastics class and swim lessons and could go run errands. Even that could be boring sometimes but we could get out and do things.
With the #VID going round, we can't go anywhere and have little to do. My wife works in grocery and has maintained a pretty normal work schedule, so I'm (still) home with a toddler all day. Jack wouldn't wear a mask, and while technically exempt I'm still not going to bring him inside anywhere. If we go out, just the two of us, it's somewhere outdoors or we hit up a drive-through. Yes I know, I could probably think of more activities to break the monotony.
The point here is that it's getting to me. Time is standing still and yet flying by. While 100% an introvert, I'm very much missing interaction with people and feel trapped. Every day is the same, with walking the dog our most exciting event. Sometimes we go twice! Blogging has been a mild distraction and periodic video games at night give me some respite and time to myself. I'm not sure it's enough. There's no doubt I've been extra ornery lately.
If you know me at all, I'm a pretty positive guy. I also take some pride in being emotionally stable. So it's a little hard to admit how crappy I'm feeling. I really appreciate this article from Kat Timpf talking about how you shouldn't force yourself to maintain an overly optimistic outlook through this. It's probably even healthy to be a little crabby, considering.
I'll try to explain what I'm feeling, something at which I've never been adept.
I think more than anything I'm feeling beaten down by this holding pattern and the indefinite nature of quarantineSZN. It's hitting me that it's somehow May and there's no baseball and our summer travel won't happen. There's nothing to look forward to and no where to go. Then since I'm dragging a bit, I get SO BORED. I don't know what I want to do even when I have free time.
Twitter is (even more than usual) a miserable place but I still use it to stay up to date, since watching any TV news is utterly pointless. I'm worried about a lot of things (and I don't usually worry). I'm worried that our favorite restaurants and breweries will shut down and never recover. I'm worried that the economic destruction from the shutdowns will be worse than we can really imagine at the moment. I'm worried we won't learn anything from this because literally everything becomes a political football in our current culture.
I'm guessing it'll be years before sports are normal again. Oh man, what I'd give to go to a baseball game and enjoy a hot dog and beer and the din that makes every stadium unique. Or to be in Vegas with the guys. When will those things return as we know them?
It's easy to project a false impression of a perfect life through social media, and if I'm doing that myself it's unintentional. I try to use it for updates on Jack and my activities, hopefully bringing a little happiness to our friends and family. He's absolutely a joy to me, but at nearly two he can be a big ball of emotion and that wears me down too. I can only stand hearing about the 'fire truck,' 'garbage truck,' or 'mower' so many times each day.
The result of it all is I'm a bit on edge right now, and as previously stated, somewhat grumpy.
I do know I'll be okay in the end. I'm ever thankful that no one in my family has gotten sick. There will be a time when we can travel again, go out to eat, be in groups of people and see live events. The waiting is truly the hardest part. Hopefully we get some clarity soon. Meanwhile, the ingenuity of people has impressed me and I know we'll see more creativity and problem-solving. Maybe there'll be a glut of outdoor restaurants, makeshift drive-ins, and parking lot church services.
How are you all doing? I can't be the only one feeling this way. I've always been bad at keeping up with people and am thankful for those who do a better job. Feel free to give me a call. Keep the virtual happy hours and chats going. Online board games anyone?
(deep breath)
I do at least have TV and beer. And you know what, it's nice getting this off my chest.
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