Last weekend we spent a few days in Wisconsin Dells for the first time as a family. I'd been there a handful of times as a kid myself, way back in the day, and we've, ever so briefly, stopped there on our cross-country treks. But my wife and kids had never actually seen what the town can offer and a few attractions drew us into a summer getaway there. The trip was a mixed bag but it was still good we went.
How do I describe Wisconsin Dells to someone not from this part of the country? Hmm...
Before getting to that, let's take a quick look at where this is and why this place grew the way it did. For whatever reason when people refer to Wisconsin Dells, or 'The Dells,' we're describing more than just the actual town of Wisconsin Dells. Much of what I'm going to cover is in the neighboring incorporated Lake Delton as well, though no one ever uses that town's name. Anyway, this area is at a bend on I-90 in the middle of southern Wisconsin. It's a little over three hours from most of Minneapolis/St. Paul and its suburbs, about an hour from Madison, two hours from Milwaukee, and three hours from Chicago (less from its suburbs). So it's incredibly centrally located for most of the upper midwest. Originally the main draw of the area was the stretch of the Wisconsin River there, not least because of the ancient exposed sandstone that lines its sides and a number of cool rock formations. This section of the river is where the town (and now area) gets its name, from the French word for gorge, 'dalles.' The spot became a tourist and summer getaway going back to the late 1800s and has really exploded since the 1950s. There are still campgrounds and RV parks around but that's not where most people stay anymore. Driving around today it's pretty shocking the permanent population of the two towns is only 6000 people, even if you can drive end to end in less than 15 minutes, due to the sheer buildup there.
The best description, that I can come up with anyway, is that these days it's like a midwestern Las Vegas, I guess, except that waterparks are the focal point instead of casinos. It's mostly only a destination during the relatively short summer season, but during those months it's a happening place. Besides Noah's Ark, the biggest (70 acres!) outdoor waterpark in the country, there are a ton of over-the-top resorts with a combo indoor/outdoor setup who seem to be in an arms race. On this trip we stayed in Great Wolf Lodge, like we did in Williamsburg, VA, because it has sizable but not absurd water activities. We knew we likely weren't going to spend a ton of time in the water but still wanted to have the option and mostly liked our previous stay. The other big resorts include the Kalahari, the largest indoor park in the state with a big outdoor area as well, and Mt. Olympus, which appears to gradually taking over town. I say this because I only remember Olympus, a Greek-styled resort, being a theme park with roller coasters and other rides. The size of its (also massive) waterparks stood out to me as did the ridiculous number of buildings (30 or more?) that house rooms, gained largely, I think, from purchasing surrounding properties. Another interesting looking place is Wilderness, which we may want to check out on a future trip.
The other reason I want to compare to Vegas is all the silly attractions that fill the space between resorts and waterparks. The entire town is a giant tourist trap. Possibly the most famous attraction is no longer happening, as the Tommy Bartlett Show, featuring stacked water-skiers and boat jumps, closed down in 2020. The Tommy Bartlett Exploratory, kind of like a science museum, is still around. Besides that there's a Ripley's Believe It or Not, several different Escape Rooms, and a nightly live comedy and magic show. This is all stuff may not be surprising. What you probably wouldn't expect are giant fun-houses shaped like an Aztec temple or a broken, flipped upside-down White House. Or a reptile zoo. As my dad likes to point out, there are Native American trading posts where you can get items you wouldn't expect to see any more (though we didn't go in and I can't confirm). There's a lot of goofy things to check out if you're so inclined.
We weren't, but did have other ideas. There are a couple attractions in particular that greatly appealed considering our vehicle obsessed four-year-old and his younger brother who isn't all that far behind. The first was the Duck Boats. In the Dells there are two options, the 'Original' Duck Boats and the 'Army' Duck Boats. We went Original because I remember going on one a long time ago and have fond memories. It was a good choice. You can buy tickets online or in-person and the tours run continuously, we didn't need to wait at all. They drive you, in these vehicles made during WWII, up-and-down between the main road and the river. You plunge in and get to view the famous sandstone and rock formations. Then it's back onto land before going into Lake Delton, the dam-made lake around which everything is centered. Finally you head back to where you started. On the way you learn about the area, get relentlessly bludgeoned with terrible jokes and may get wet. It's a great time and, once again, was the highlight of the trip for me. The kids loved it too and we all sung the Duck Boat song to celebrate.
The other main goal for us on the trip was the ride a train. Called the Riverside & Great Northern Railway, it's a little historical society for the preservation of trains and it's pretty different than everything else there. You drive barely out of town and under a bridge and you come up on a little railway station. There you can ride the tiniest real-working steam train you'll ever see. It's completely adorable and is absolutely perfect for little kids because the ride isn't very long. You go out a ways, learn a little about the railway and the train, they use a turntable to reverse the engine and go back to where you started, all within an hour. It was great. Just know they go on the hour during the day and any given train may fill up.
Those two activities were the best parts of our trip and I'd recommend both. The rest was a challenge for our whole family. With kids at these ages (4, 1.5) getting out and doing things can be tough, between having your normal routines thrown off and, more importantly, not getting enough sleep. We're keep getting reminded the younger one does not sleep great outside of his crib and dark room and almost never gets naps in the car anymore, even if we're in the car for hours. Even with a relatively good hotel room setup both boys were, for the entirety of the trip, up way too early and out of sorts and I got overly frustrated with them, especially in restaurants. I'm also not loving that our older child will barely get wet at the waterpark and is incredibly slow in being able to have fun there. I want to do more with him and keep thinking he's ready when he's not and that's on me. The long and the short of it was a lot of crabbiness from basically everyone. It was good we were only gone two days.
That said, this is almost certainly a place we'll visit again in the future due to its proximity and what's available there. Let's just let the kids get slightly older first.
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